At this moment Germ is finally talking to his son.

 It has been over a month since he has been able to talk to his children.  His ex has them in California somewhere, but he doesn’t know where. She won’t tell him where, won’t tell him with who, won’t give him their phone number, nothing. 

Now that we are finally in Washington he is going to talk to legal aid about pushing this divorce. Lots of complications around it since she moved to California, but in all actualities she has kidnapped the children from him. They are still technically married, and she has been keeping the children away from him.  He told her this, so I think that is the only reason she is finally letting his kids talk to him. So far he has talked to his son, hopefully he will get to talk to his daughter.

 Crossing fingers. 

Okay, he is on the phone with his daughter, he is trying to get information gently from the kids so he knows they are safe. Hopefully she won’t grab the phone and hang up.

No one has ever made me feel the hatred and anger I feel except his ex. She is something else.  

So it has been a month and a half since I have updated my blog. So much has happened.  

 Quick recap (Which will be pretty darn emotionless because that is how it has to be for me to get it out without the tears)

  - Mid-December Germ’s ex got him fired from his job. She figured out where he worked, called his boss and his office all day long.  She told them all sorts of lies and ended up getting him fired.

 - December 15th, my beautiful little puppy Levi. My little baby boy that would have been 2 this past January 8th, suddenly passed away.  Even though it has been about a month, just typing this out gets me all emotional to the point I can’t breathe.  I came back from Subway bringing Germ and I’s lunch, and Levi was outside with Riley playing.  I went back out about an hour later to let them back in and he was gone.  I found him laying on the ground with his eyes open. I started screaming because I knew he was gone.  He had choked on his rawhide. I cried for days. Didn’t get out of bed for days. I still feel so much guilt, and question myself as a dog owner.  I have two other babies right now, but sometimes I wonder if I am going to let something happen to them.  I read that when dogs choke, they instinctively get confused, then they just go to sleep. That he was not in any pain. He just fell asleep.  I sure hope that is the case. He was so sick as it was, he had a very bad skin condition I tried so very hard to keep tabs on, but he always had rashes and just did not seem happy. I hope he finally has comfort and peace.  If you have dogs, please keep tabs on them as they chew on their rawhides.  Levi loved them, and had always chewed on them no problem.  It was an accident I guess, Germ consoles me every time I get emotional about it, telling me that there was nothing I could have done, it is not my fault and that I am not a bad dog owner, but I feel so guilty.  

- To add to the fact I feel like a lousy dog mama, Toby (Levi’s 5 month half-brother) broke his little leg two weeks ago.  I don’t know how he did it but it was at night so Germ and I had to rush him to the emergency vet that was 20 minutes away. By the time we got him there my arms were cramped up because I was so tense holding him.  My blood pressure and heart rate was through the roof and I was sobbing.  The vet people didn’t quite understand why I was taking a leg break so badly, and Germ told them when I was in the car trying to settle down that his brother had suddenly died two weeks earlier.  There were several times that night I felt I was going to pass out.  Toby’s leg has a very clean break, and I was told that with little dogs it is a very common injury.  He will be perfectly normal with no negative effects of the injury.  But I still, at times like this wonder if I am equipped to have dogs.  Tonight I went to check on him and he was sleeping, I went to pick him up and in his sleep his head tilted to the side, I started panicking.  I am so traumatized by how I found Levi that anytime my other dogs are sleeping on their side, or they don’t move when I call them, I about start crying.  I read in an old magazine that Oprah’s beloved Golden Retriever tragically died as well from choking on a plastic ball. In some way, I found comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who has had that happen.  Everyone know’s Oprah breathes her dogs, and she would never want anything to happen to them either. 

 - Germ and I are in the middle of traveling cross country.  We decided with him losing his job, and everything happening, we needed a change. My family and His family know about us, and are generally okay with it.  I met his family last week on our way out of Tennessee and they seem to really like me.  They cannot stand his psycho-ex and apparently I am the first female that Germ has brought home that his Dad has hugged “bye” to.  So that is a good sign.  We have been on the road for a total of 7 days now.  We should be in Seattle, WA (New stomping ground) this Monday. I am looking foward to the change, going to a new school, going to a new job and getting out of the hell-hole of Tennessee. I don’t want to have to be in the same house that my little boy left me.  I miss him so much.  One blessing is Toby though.  For some reason, I so badly wanted Levi’s brother.  I thought it would be so cool to have the half-brothers.  They look exactly alike except Levi’s black/tan and Toby is blue/tan.  Now I know why I was so drawn to it. Everything happens for a reason, and I know everytime I look at Toby he is helping me grieve for Levi. He even has his grumpy attitude.  I gotta get that boy neutered. Ha. 

In Loving Memory of my Little Man - Levi

Too much crap going on right now. I am kind of in hiding about it all.  I guess the one thing about having a blog is it gives you a wonderful outlet to vent on.  But sometimes you just don’t want to. 

Between the drama that is going on with Germ and his family - the fact he still has not been able to have a good conversation with his kids in a week, and his ex. Who I will now call Banshee, seemingly wants to do nothing but evil. 

My family situation takes a toll on me the most during the holidays, yesterday was my parents 25th anniversary and my Mom spent it sitting across a table with him in a room full of 50 other inmates and their families.  They could only hold hands through the table and were pretty much limited to a “tactful” kiss in the beginning of their visit and at the end.  My Mama saw my Dad 2 hours on their 25th anniversary. 2nd year in a row she has had to see him like that. 

This Christmas my Grandparents are not coming in because last year they both were miserable being in TX without their son being there.  This Christmas is going to be interesting, first one without the Grandparents, 2nd one with my Dad.  Don’t know how we are going to handle it or what we are going to do. Back into hiding I go. Am probably going to start this Expression Engine blog in the beginning of the year.  I have a new domain I may be moving to as well. Things are just not feeling beautiful right now. 

I have not been able to update in a while. Been dealing with family
issues and traveling a bunch. Drove from Texas to Missouri yesterday.
Took 18 hours since by grandparents were following me. I took a
picture of the odometer after my trip. 915 miles in one day. Phew.
Tuesday I am driving from Missouri to Tennessee. It will be another 10
drive. Ugh.

Holiday recap coming when I am finally home. I maybe switching blog
platforms to expression engine. May do a completely new blog. I don’t
know yet.

I miss Germ.

Killin’ Time with Iggy the iPhone.

Germ is in the other room right now, arguing with his Ex. All they ever do is argue. She is so off-her-rocker that he cannot even have a calm conversation with her. She always starts telling him he is a horrible father, and is worthless. It hurts my heart, because we both know he is a wonderful father. But I know it still stabs in his heart like a knife.

He is going to be by himself this Thanksgiving. I am really hurting about that. My family does not know about him yet, it is not the right timing, so I can’t bring him with me. He can’t go see his kids because his ex will have a freak-out-melt-down and the effects will trickle down to the kids. She and him never loved each other, they just were married simply out of convienence for her and the kids. She just wants everything handed to her on a silver platter and refuses to lift a finger and do anything.

She has never worked a day in her life because Germ has always provided for them. Well he still is providing for them, over half his every paycheck. Just with 2 rents to pay, money is tight, and half his paycheck is not enough for her. When Germ told her that she really needed to get a job, she told him that she should not have to get a job, that he needs to get a second job. What the eff? Germ get another job on top of his 40+ hour a week career he has?

We had a great weekend, just lounging around and spending time our new computers. But I can’t help but feel disconnected to him. I hear his voice, it’s a voice I never hear unless he is talking to her. I don’t know that man talking to her on the phone. He is frustrated and upset. He is holding back on talking to me about what is going on between them. What they are arguing about. He usually will tell me what’s going on so I can comfort and listen to him. But lately - I don’t know. He has not been telling me everything. I don’t know if it is because he is emotionally worn, which I don’t blame him. Or if he thinks it is going to be too much for me. There have been a handful of occasions where I have reacted emotionally, due to guilt or hurt for the kids. There have been times I have tried to push him away, thinking that maybe if I left it would make things right between him and his family. But I know it won’t.

This holiday season is going to bite for more reason than one.